Title: Mr. Umbrella

Summary: One afternoon it was raining and I don’t have an umbrella. Life sucks because everyone else has got someone else while I am all alone.

Dripping, falling
Still I walk; so stubborn
Wet and wild: I joke
All alone, to myself

Dancing, flying
Figures and rainbows
All will be gone
To leave me behind

Laughing, cuddling
Everybody else
Around me, but no
Notice; just them

Walking, talking
Behind me you came
Mister Someone holding
An umbrella in the rain

Greeting, saying
Something, as I stare
Unbelieving and numb,
At your face

Loving, having
Your far embrace
My imagination
Wild as the air

Going, making
Me long for you
As your mirage
Disappears beside me

Crying, lying
To myself for this affair
You leave me;
By myself; softy

Dripping, falling
Still I walk, in the rain
Wet and wild: I choke;
All alone; you’re never there

One rainy afternoon I don’t have an umbrella. Life sucks and everybody else has got someone else while I am all alone. I hate umbrellas, I think they’re too cumbersome, which is why I didn’t bother to bring one with me that day. My class ended at 5 pm. Usually, I like the rain because it takes away the tropical heat but being impeded by the rain when you’ve got a thesis paper to catch up on and another million things to do, can be a sucker. I waited and waited until it’s almost six, but the rain was relentless. So, being the free-spirited person that I am, I decided to run with it.

Walking in the rain or, in my case, running in the rain can be quite exhilarating. The palm fronds above made it quite risky because they can flatten anyone passing by in one gust of wind. Yet there’s a unique beauty in the music of swaying leaves and the sodden scenery. Even the mud looked inviting. But that certain doomed afternoon also had its ugliness. I walked in the rain with couples surrounding me. To my left there’s this pair running while embracing each other (I don’t know how that was possible but it was what they were doing) and trying desperately to keep each other from getting wet, as if their warm bodies can substitute rain coats. To the right was another pair sharing a very small umbrella, trying hard to fit themselves under it and having a giggling contest along the way. A few paces ahead, another couple (who seemed a lot smarter than the others) walked under their blue golf umbrella, enjoying the water (without getting wet) that was so torturing me.

Life sucks; my life really sucks.

As anyone may have guessed, I’m not one of those lucky enough to have someone holding an umbrella above my head. I’m not fortunate to have someone keeping me warm against the cold windy day, someone to share the pleasure of being drenched silly by the rain. I am one of those very few individuals who shivered and felt miserable and alone.

I allowed my mind to drift away from that torturous space. I thought maybe I’d find solace in my inner world, instead I found more disappointment:

I remembered walking one extremely hot and sunny day, looking at my feet and shielding my face from the sun. I looked up and ahead just for a moment, and like destiny I saw the most familiar figure walking towards me.

“Hmmm.. you’re walking again”, he commented as we passed by each other.

I know I must have smiled goofily but I also know he didn’t even give me another glance and he thought nothing of how nerdy and unsure I looked. I know, however, that in just one instant that our worlds collided, I am content. I can live by just knowing that he knew who I am: that kid who’s always walking.

Why is he walking? Where’s his car? Where is he going? Is he going to meet someone? These were the questions that lingered inside my head after that brief encounter. I wondered why I always felt baffled and jittery whenever I see/pass by/glance/think about him. Okay, so maybe he’s absolutely marvelously gorgeous looking, has these eyes which can just melt your innards and an inflection in his voice that is just so… but he’s still human, and I am not affected by mere humans. I used to be not affected by humans.

Just like so many times before that gloomy and rainy afternoon I dreamt of him beside me: imagined him walking towards me holding an umbrella. I’d stop and stare at him like a desert traveler seeing a mirage amongst all the sand. He’d startle me by placing his umbrella above my head, which now seemed the most magical thing, and I’d hear him say: “Hmmm.. you’re walking again”, then he’d walk with me and maybe it would take us a few years before we reach my house, and of course I’d stop feeling sorry for myself. He’d always be the prince/knight/hero who will come and rescue me: the princess who never was and never will be.

I didn’t stop dreaming about him until that last time he passed me by walking down the stairs of our school building. I wanted to greet him and smile, and say: “Good morning, sir” just to be polite and just so he’ll notice me. But he looked so lost in thought and once again I hesitated because he might have forgotten who I am: the kid who’s always walking and his student from last semester in Section E.

I hate the rain. I hate umbrellas. The rain always makes me think about things that will never and can never be. Umbrellas are still too cumbersome and I don’t remember ever seeing him with one. He probably walks in the rain too; yeah, because we are so alike. Our only difference is that we’ll never belong in a common dimension. While I’m being drenched, he’ll never be there with an umbrella over my head. He can never feel my rain and I’d never bask in his sunshine.

I know very little, but I know a lot, and this becomes a burden.

I always tell myself, I can only do so much; why do i have to feel and be responsible to so many things, even things i am not supposed to even think about?

Is this a personality hazard? My martyr complex coming over me, as always? Or I’m just a masochist?!

There are times I just doubt myself. I feel like I’m slipping away from where I should be, slowly slowly shifting to a different direction than to where I must be headed. I want to stop and catch a breath and analyze things, but as always, I don’t have time, I don’t have the luxury, I’m too damn busy and occupied.

But I am strong. I am not a quitter.

There are just some things you have to see through. These things are surely to make you tougher, wiser, even stronger than you can ever hope to be. There will always be doubts, oh yes; a lot of those. But also a lot of fulfillment and a teeny bit of fun along the way.

I always pray to HIM: please give me strength to finish this, to do all i need to do, to be better than what i am.

I know i am so far from perfect. But all i need is a wee bit of strength, a whole lot of faith, a bucketful of guts, and HE and the universe will conspire to do the rest.

x x x x x

photo courtesy by manga scanlators of Bleach (Chad’s hand)

You’re my habit. Bad? Good? It doesn’t matter; you just are. You’re a faceless name into which I have poured all I am, almost; a stranger I have grown to share every single adventure, even the simplest plights, all my delirious fantasies. My heart jumps every time your name registers on my message list or e-mail alerts or comment box. When you write my name, I just go all irrational. I look for you, I wait for you, I dream of you, and I am in bliss.. and pain. How I hurt myself so.

xxxxx

“Just a little bit.. almost.. my heart is almost ready to give in..” you say. But I can’t believe.

You are so far away. And I think when I finally see you I won’t know who you are, even though I seem to know you a lot. I’m afraid that you’ll just be a…

“No pressure here, m’friend. I just like the way we are”, I say. And you badger me with your questions; you tell me that I am good. Yes, I am.

xxxxx

Should I stop before you become an addiction? Is it really my choice to feel this way or not? Am I a coward (for not wanting to forget about you) or a brave soul (for being here, still, despite all)? You tease me, I tease you back. You say I am a child. Maybe I am; a child who doesn’t know how to grow up and get rid of a habit.

The story and the characters taught me to value LIFE: its intricacies, its dark comedy, its tragedies, and its triumphs; how love and cake makes it lovable; and how to welcome adversity with open arms and trust in the great Maker.

I’d love to share my love for Dean Koontz and his works.. he is definitely the best author there is! He holds the answer to life’s meaning.. hehe.. almost.

Life is beautiful!

When I was younger, my family showered me with praises. I always get to be on top of things. I can sing, I can dance; I can talk better than most kids my age. I started reading and writing when I was only three. I entered first grade at the age of five. And still, I excelled over my classmates much older than I am. That continued for a few more years, until high school. And like a typical nerd / geek, I was never that popular. Well, up until a teacher found out I have more than my brains to work for me. I sang in a few school programs. I wrote in a few editions of our student paper. I crossed new boundaries, and the teachers who liked me actually broke a few rules for me. I became the Literary Editor in my junior year, which was not really acceptable because seniors only held that position. But I guess, they believed I could make it work. And work it did. I broke the boundaries of geekhood and actually excelled in something else. My name even got recognized.

Then came the “Great Depression”. I call it great because it is great. I’ve always had insecurities as far as I can remember. And I know I’ve always wanted to kill myself since I was only 10. But when I turned 14, my senior year, everything just came falling apart. My grades were all right. They were on their all time high. But what fell apart were probably the more important parts of me. I lost my confidence, even my resolve. Everyday just became blurry. I found no sense in how and where my life is leading. Add that to the fact of my fear that my parents were joining some kind of cult. I felt like I was blind. Every negative word was directed to me. Paranoia, fear, indecision, and doubts: all about myself. It was rather a selfish period. But I was young in so many ways, even though people around me think otherwise. I just wanted to die that time. I felt so alone and unimportant.

I wanted my story to be melodramatic. I want to read it and say to myself: “how touching!” I wanted to describe everything I felt in that moment when I got out of the dark hole I was in that time. But I’m not that good with words. I’ll just end up doing injustice to all the good things that happened. So I would just sacrifice the part where this story would be inspirational.

That time of “Great Depression” ended one afternoon. I went with my parents’ to their new congregation. It was the first anniversary of their locale and they’re preparing for a Thanksgiving. I had no idea what that was. I was so bored. I attended a couple of their gatherings before this I never really liked anything. The whole experience was so weird for me. But trying to make up for being an inconsiderate daughter for the past months, I complied.

I can’t remember that precise moment or time when the change in me occurred. I was just sitting there, on the second row near the aisle, watching them dance and sing with an almost familiar melody:

“Di baling kami’y walang pera

basta’t mayro’n lang sanag gitara

Gutom nami’y idadaan sa pagkanta

Hanggang kalangita’y magkakasama”

“Ang aming ligaya ay pagluwalhati

Tinig naming ay munting bahagi

Hanggang sa pagtanda, hanggang buhok ay pumuti

Kami ay aawit ng may ngiti”

I almost bawled like a baby, I didn’t know why. I kept my refuge and told myself how I get easily emotional when hearing music that I like. But inside my heart of hearts, I know right then that I want to be one of them. I want to sing, to laugh, to rejoice, to say that I won’t be affected by hunger, by thirst, by anything else in life, as long as I am there, as long as I am part of that; whatever that is.

Thus, the end of the “Great Depression” and shortly thereafter, was the New Beginning of my life. I was so dead inside, all broken up and beyond repair. But I guess what hope and faith does is to resuscitate us from that hanging condition between death and life. I was born again on February 8, 2002 in a calm afternoon. Those hours I was being repaired completely were still a blur to me. But I don’t really care. I don’t care if I remember the exact words I said, the faces I met, who like mine, are full of hope. I can’t describe if it was windy or rainy or even sunny. I can’t remember everything, but I do. I remember how free I felt, that up until now I want to reminisce. I remember how I looked at everything anew. I remember how everything felt so wonderful.

It’s been more than five years since then. I’ve had my highs and lows. I flunked a couple of math subjects in college. I’ve been depressed every so often. I’ve been disappointed a whole lot after leaving high school. But I can say proudly that I am still standing.

(Jer 9:23)

  Ganito ang sabi ng Panginoon, Huwag magmapuri ang pantas sa kaniyang karunungan, o magmapuri man ang makapangyarihan sa kaniyang kapangyarihan, huwag magmapuri ang mayaman sa kaniyang kayamanan.

(Jer 9:24)

  Kundi magmapuri sa ganito ang lumuluwalhati, na kaniyang nauunawa, at kaniyang nakikilala ako, na ako ang Panginoon na nagsasagawa sa lupa ng kagandahang-loob, kahatulan at katuwiran; sapagka’t sa mga bagay na ito ay nalulugod ako, sabi ng Panginoon.

I am hanging on. I am trying my hardest to face all the frustrations my life so far, has given me. I still doubt myself a lot of times, but hope remains. So does faith. And even more so, Love, which I pray will never ever grow cold.

I commonly don’t know how to end my compositions in phenomenal ways. I’d like to end with the statement: Now, I know I’m nobody yet I’m somebody. I’m nobody without HIM who saved me from a wreck that was my life, yet I’m somebody, though not astoundingly so, because of the hope HE gave me. But you have probably expected that. So I’ll just be content in saying:
I will never be content as long as I am here in a world that I never loved or cared about. So sometimes, I know, I will still whine. Sometimes, I know, I’d still get depressed. I know that I will still get angry, and I’d definitely feel injustice. But what remains constant in me is the hope that all of these HE will take away at that moment when I would finally be SOMEBODY worthy in HIS eyes.

but then, i don’t want to be a fool;

because i can’t write. besides, you’re not that good.

nothing’s remarkable with your hair

more so, nothing, with your face

your eyes are too big (forgive me)..

and your nose is too pert..

i do like your voice, though;

and the way you always talk to me.

your childish reactions and your fascination with life;

your faith, your devotion, your love.

perhaps we’re meant to be.. how can i be sure?

perhaps you feel this way for me too (?)

but i’ll stop wondering now

for there are more important things..

but i still hope that someday we’ll meet again

then.. somehow.. you still hasn’t changed.

then.. maybe.. i can say all this to your face.

i am a fool.. yes! but not in a bad way;

maybe a fool of myself, a fool for you..

but sensibilities come and go,

i hope that mine, you won’t take completely away.. with you.

inspired by someone

Gaya nga ng sinabi ko, matalino sya at gwapo. Suave. Karismatiko. Lahat kasi ng babae sa course namin e may gusto sa kanya. Syempre hindi ako kagaya ng mga yon.. kaya nagpaka-plastic na lang ako. Iniwasan ko syang palagi. At siguro napansin din nya (puro siguro) kaya iniwasan nya rin ako. Nag-iwasan na lang kami. Di ba ‘destiny’ ko sya? Pati yung laptops namin pareho ng model. Mahilig din sya sa kape. Mahilig din syang kumain. At sympre, expert sya sa animals. Sa klase lang nya ako hindi inantok o nakatulog sa buong kasaysayan ko sa kolehiyo. Minsan, kapag naiisip ko sya, nasasabi ko sa sarili ko: "stupid ka talaga!" Bakit kasi sya pa? Well, kahit sino naman ang magustuhan ko basta’t hindi ako gusto, e hindi ko rin makukuha.. haha.. kaya bakit ko pa yon naisip?

Pero kasi lahat ng ayaw ko nasa kanya: maputi, mabisyo, matanda, mataba, at galit sa mga bata. Oo nga at matalino sya at adventurous (?), pero kasi may pangako ako sa sarili ko na hindi ako magkakagusto sa kahit kaninong hindi papasa sa LAHAT ng requirements. Para tuloy tama yung kasabihang "hindi mo madidiktahan ang puso".. Bwisit! Bakit ba palagi silang tama? O baka kasi madaya nga ang puso ng tao.

Sa kanya ko napatunayan na kahit sino pala, kahit hindi tatapat sa gusto ko, kahit malabo pa sa malabo na magkatuluyan kami, kung talagang sya yun, wala akong magagawa. Naalala ko tuloy yung Bible verse na ang sabi "magpakaligaya ka sa Panginoon at ibibigay Nya ang nasa ng iyong puso".. lagi kong naiisip: siguro hindi ako lubos na nagpakaligaya sa Kanya kaya hindi ko makuha ang gusto ko.. Pero sobrang selfish naman non di ba? Service to God should be out of love, real Love, and should not be out of need. Hindi ba ang tunay na pag-ibig hindi humihingi o naghihintay ng kapalit? Kaya nga kasalanan siguro na mahalin ko sya ng sobra at ipanalangin na mahalin nya rin ako. Kaya naman makokontento na ako sa pag-asang darating ang panahong mawawala din ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.. dahil ang mga bagay dito sa mundo ay may katapusan. At hindi ko rin sasayangin ang oras sa pag-iisip sa kanya. Kaya ko naman syang mahalin kahit mula sa malayo. Hindi nga lang nya alam; pero mahalaga pa ba yon?

Hindi ko nanaising mabago ang lahat para lang magkatuluyan kami. Kasi baka pag nagbago ang lahat e hindi na kami magkakilala.. mas pipiliin kong makasama sya sa  mundo na hindi nya ako mahal, kaysa sa isang mundo na kasama ko sya pero di ko sya minahal.. gets ba? hahaha

Pero hindi naman sa hindi ako maghihintay. Ngayon, hinahayaan ko na lang ang mga bagay ukol dito. Naka-focus ako sa mga bagay na mahalaga, sa "matters of great consequence" kung baga. Pero sa loob ko ay mayroon pa ding isang "Little Prince" o isang batang nangangarap sa isang happily-ever-after ending ng fairytale kong ito. Si Prince Charming nga lang e naligaw ata.. O baka naghihintay lang ako sa wala.. O baka naman hindi ako bagay maging prinsesa.. Kung ano pa man ang mangyari, wala na akong magagawa. Ang tanging kaya ko lang ay ang magpakaligaya sa Kanya na nakakaalam ng puso ko at magbibigay ng mga bagay na totoong para sa akin.

Junior ako nang makilala ko ang ‘first love’ ko. Actually, hindi ako sure kung sya na ba talaga yon. Basta kasi hindi ko maipaliwanag ang naramdaman ko para sa kanya.. Nagkagusto na ako sa boys, sa girls, sa medyo boys at pati sa mga medyo girls (?).. pero wala namang tumatak sa puso ko at isip na gaya nya. Parang gusto ko laging ipagsigawan sa mundo na sobrang mahal ko sya pero ayoko din kasi gusto ko secret lang. Parang napapaiyak ako pero natutuwa pag nakikita ko sya. Lagi kong sinasabi sa friends ko na sya ang aking "destiny".. hehe.. paano kasi magkalapit ang birthdays namin; mere hours lang ang pagitan. Pero syempre, kinabukasan pagkapanganak sa kin ng nanay ko e nagcelebrate sya ng kanyang 15th birthday.. hahaha.. gurang na kasi! Professor ko sya sa isang major subject. Sobrang gwapo at matalino. Ang tawag ko sa kanya ay Mr.Melancholy eyes, kasi malungkot ang mga mata nya. Kaya nga parang gusto kong palagi syang yakapin at sabihan na ako ang bahala sa kanya.. na ipagtatanggol ko sya.. parang superhero ang dating diba? Pero gusto ko ako si Batman… Anyway, kinamuhian ko sya at minahal nang magkasabay. Napatunayan kong mahal ko syang talaga dahil gusto kong lagi syang masaya: kahit na mag-asawa pa sya, kahit na bading din pala sya, kahit ano pa.. Madalas tuwing magkaklase kami nagkakatagpo ang aming mga paningin. Ewan ko kung natitigilan din sya gaya ko, pero sa kin, ang isang sandaling yon ay katumbas ng isang habang buhaya Naalala ko tuloy yung kanta dati ng savage garden na "I knew I loved you.." haha,, parang ganun kasi ang pakiramdam ko; one moment, one lifetime (kuno).

May naging crush din naman akong iba habang minamahal ko sya nang palihim. Etong isa ay kamukha din ni Harry Potter (hmm.. wala po akong fixation sa character na ito okey?!) Siguro yong salamin nya ang nagustuhan ko.. mukha kasing matalino.. (mukha lang?) Parang may gusto nga din sya sa kin noon e, kaya lang natakot siguro sa salitang "committment" na para bang nakita nyang nakatatak sa malapad kong noo.. hahaha.. alam ny kasing hindi ako gaya ng ibang girls nya na pasulpot-sulpot at paiba-iba.

…to be continued (again)

Mula pa noon (siguro mula nang magkamalay ako sa "pag-ibig"), ipinangako ko na sa sarili na ang kauna-unahan kong boyfriend ang aking pakakasalan. Dapat lahat ng requirements (as stated above) ay nasa kanya; wala kahit isang kulang. At dapat maging matalik muna kaming magkaibigan bago ang lahat.

Nas grade 5 ako nang una akong makatanggap ng love letter. Valentine’s day ata noon at may nag-abot sa akin ng isang card na may maraming puso na nakadrowing. Hindi ko na matandaan kung ano ang nakasulat doon at hindi ko na rin yon itinago. Pero natatandaan ko pa ang mukha ng nagbigay sa kin non: hindi sya gwapo kaya hindi ko na inintindi. Tsaka 10 years old pa lang ako non, alam kong wala pa kong alam.

Nang tumuntong ako ng high school, hindi ako naging sikat. Hindi ako madalas napansin dahil tahimik nga ako at laging nag-iisa. Mahiyain ako, o siguro ayoko lang makipag-usap sa mga taong hindi ko kauri. Maaga akong naging isang cynic. Hindi ako sumunod sa mga uso: damit, cell phone, love songs na nakakaantok, at pangongolekta ng boyfriends. Habang nag-eenjoy ang mga ka-edad kong babae sa pakikipagsapalaran sa masalimuot na mundo ng "pag-ibig" (kuno), nadiskubre ko ang iba’t-ibang genre ng prose at poetry. Nakilala ko si Shakeapeare, si Poe, si Frost, si Dickinson at marami pang iba. Nabasa ko si Ludlum at si Grisham, at nawili ako kay Koontz. Nagkagusto ako sa isang kaklase kong gwapo pero ubod ng yabang. Pakiramdam ko nga noon ay may gusto din sya sa kin kaya lang hindi nya ako malapitan dahil hindi na sya magiging "cool" kapag nanligaw sya sa isang gaya ko. Nahilig din ako sa broadway at naging paborito ko ang Miss Saigon. Pakiramdam ko ako si Kim na naghahanap ng isang Chris na magtatanggol sa akin. At may nakilala din akong Chris, dalawa pa nga sila e. Si Chris #1 ay isa sa mga una kong naging kabarkada. Sayang nga kasi lahat na ng gusto ko ay nasa kanya; nasa no.1 sya ng listahan ko.. kaya lang iba ang gusto nya (siguro.. hindi ko na ito napatunayan), basta hindi ata girls (period). Tinanong pa ako noon ng isang CAT officer namin kung sino daw ang crush ko, at nang sabihin ko ang pangalan nya e pinarusahan pa ko! kasi hindi daw sya pwede don.. duh? at least hindi sya hayop diba? Anyway, meron pa namang isang Chris. Gwapo din sya at matalino kaya lang minsan maangas, pasimple ang kayabangan. Nanligaw sya sa kin (nerd naman sya kaya bagay daw kami) at muntik ko na syang maging boyfriend. Pero kasi hindi daw sya maghihintay hanggang mag-18 ako, kaya nagsawa din sya kakasunod sa kin. Bahala sya sa buhay nya.. (peace!) Hindi kamo kamukha sya ni Harry Potter e makukuha nya na ko.. haha.. Malapit na ang graduation nang maging "close" ako sa isa ko pang classmate. Actually, nasa college na ko nang mag-text sya sa kin at nagsabing manliligaw sya. Kaya lang, 1 week later may girlfriend na syang iba. Ano kaya yun? hahaha.. talaga. Sayang din yun kasi gusto ko syang tulungan. No.3 sya sa listahan ko kasi matalino at hopeless romantic syang gaya ko. (Ang no.2 e yung Chris the 2nd na kamukha ni Harry Potter; at 3 lang sila sa listahan, okey!)

… to be continued